TO RECAP:
Traded couch stank for facial reconstruction, explored the very boring town of Goodsprings a bit, stole some guy’s weed, and met Sunny SmilesDarlene, the future former Mrs. Neutron. All good. Let’s wasteland!
Darlene said I could tag along with her on her latest mission. I was hoping we could find this mythical “good spring” and frolic in it like delightful nymphs on a bottle of Victorian talcum powder, but alas.
Aww, man. I really really like geckos. 
But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in all my years wandering the wastelands (however many it’s been), it’s that when your girlfriend wakes up and chooses violence, it’s best to just go along with it.
Darlene leads me across an interminable amount of beigey-yellowish scrubby bullshit. It takes literally two million years. Her dog is the same color as everything around it and I keep thinking a rock is clipping in the foreground. Other than that, though, I’m having a marvelous jaunt!
Eventually, we hear the chittering of some soon-to-be dead geckos in the distance. I try to appeal to Darlene’s sense of justice, but my new bestie is public health-minded, and having none of my bleeding heart liberal shit.
Oh, Darlene. “Gecko bites” is what Doc calls vaginas.
Speaking of Doc, maybe I should give him a bucket to keep his WAP in? Hmm. Might be a nice way of thanking him for supergluing my head back together.
I sadly kill some geckos, who are very cute even though they’re super chompy, and I’m feeling pretty good about myself until–
Oh my god. OH MY GOD I SHOT THE DOG. Fuck. FUCK!!!! I’M SO SORRY CHEYENNE ARE YOU DEAD?!
The dog seems fine, oddly enough, and I don’t have time to dwell either on my existential horror or the disaster this no doubt spells for my relationship with Darlene. I got lizards to shoot, dammit!
guys please don’t tell Darlene ok
I hear gunshots in the distance and round the corner to see Darlene fighting geckos off…some guy?!
DARLENE! SAVE THAT GUY!
But we’re too late. The cuddly li’l geckos rip the stranger’s guts apart, and even though I shoot them all in the head (and one in the butt), it feels… hollow.
Um, Darlene? Uhh… this is really awkward, but I kind of sh–
Lucky for me, Darlene is more concerned about paying me for my work and teaching me to make stuff to survive in the wilderness. I can only assume this is because she loves me, too; otherwise, why would she go to all this trouble?
But before I go looking for the fancifully named plants Darlene requested, I decide to check out the remains of the gecko carnage. It takes me a while to find the body of that poor lost soul, but when I do, it’s well worth the trip…
…cuz they died RAISING THE ROOF! WHOOOOOO! NEW VEGAAAAAASSSSS!!!!
I quickly divest the corpse of what I can only describe as a “Mad Max Roman slave outfit” and head out in search of DESTINY. And xander root.
My quest is epic. It is long. I find every book in the schoolhouse. I shoot every bloatfly in the graveyard. I find the rough-hewn graves of dudes named shit like “Jeb” and see the fresh hole dug for me glistening in the moonlight.
It is, in short, what happens when you play a Bethesda game while high as balls: you wander in the desert for forty fucking years accidentally grinding your way to a higher level only to end up on the opposite side of that barrel you turned left at six fucking hours ago.
By the time I make it back to Darlene, I’m exhausted. Truth be told, this quiet country life ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. After exhaustedly throwing together some potions or whatever, I contemplate my options, and I realize something.
It’s a big ol’ desert out there. Lots of girls, and guys, and robots, and sensuous desert rock formations. Sweet Darlene, you’ll always be my first love–and my convenient Goodsprings bang whenever I swing by–but I think it’s about time for me to be moving on.
Adios, guapa.
also sorry I shot your dog okay see you bye!
I’m about to hit an abandoned camper for some shut-eye, but there’s just one thing I gotta do first.
Oh. My. God. I’ve finally found it. My Hat of Bangability.
What’s that? The Wasteland just got even hotter? You’re welcome.
Okay, now I’m ready for this Fallout shit!